


Chatfinder

by OrionAkatsuki



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-18 13:21:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11291508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrionAkatsuki/pseuds/OrionAkatsuki
Summary: For some reason Tann decided to create a groupchat for the Tempest crew. Needless to say it's a mess full of awful jokes, trophy wives, matriarchs, odd relationships and much more.Or: My first attempt at writing something funny





	1. Roomservice?

**Author's Note:**

> Are you a fan of The 100? Meet me on the T100 Amino!! Username: NoxTrikru

{TANN} ADDED [SARA RYDER], [SCOTT RYDER], [KALLO JATH], [CORA HARPER], [GIL BRODIE], [VETRA NYX], [SUVI ANWAR], [LEXI T'PERRO], [NAKMOR DRACK], [PEEBEE], [JAAL AMA DARAV], [LIAM KOSTA] AND [SAM] TO [TEMPEST CREW ANNOUNCEMENTS]

{TANN} GAVE -ALL MEMBERS- ADMINISTRATIVE POWERS

{TANN} GAVE [SAM] ADVANCED ADMINISTRATIVE POWERS

{TANN} This chat is to be used for important announcements only, no fooling around. SAM, I expect you to keep things in check.

{SAM} Understood.

[KOSTA] Yoooooo, can we use this for roomservice?

[T'PERRO] You would know what this is for if you just scrolled up and read the previous messages.

[PEEBEE] lol. Like Liam even knows what reading is.

[KOSTA] So no roomservice?

{TANN} You lot disgust me.

{TANN} HAS LEFT [TEMPEST CREW ANNOUNCEMENTS]

[RYDER2] Huh. This is pretty neat.

[PEEBEE] Which fucking Ryder are you?

[RYDER2] Scott..... Why am I number two?

[DRACK] Keeping their names apart sucks enough in real life. Someone fix it.

[KOSTA] Maybe we could rename Scott S.RYDER?

[T'PERRO] Sara begins with an 's' aswell.

[ANWAR] Too many S. Ryders.

[RYDER1] Don't worry Suvi, once this mess is over, you'll be the third S. Ryder ;)

[PEEBEE] Damn, Ryder.

[JATH] Great job Sara, now Suvi is all awkward and blushing.

[ANWAR] I am not!

[KOSTA] Alec really sucks at naming babies though.

[RYDER1] SARA IS A GREAT NAME

[RYDER2] SCOTT IS A GREAT NAME

[PEEBEE] Liam got twinned lol

[ANWAR] CHANGED [RYDER1]'S NAME TO [SARA] 

[ANWAR] CHANGED [RYDER2]'S NAME TO [SCOTT]

[ANWAR] Solved it.

[PEEBEE] We can do that?!

[ANWAR] Yeah, check settings.

[PEEBEE] CHANGED [T'PERRO]'S NAME TO [MATRIARCH]

[PEEBEE] REMOVED [MATRIARCH]'S ADMINISTRATIVE POWERS

[MATRIARCH] ....

[PEEBEE] Now I can rest in peace

[PEEBEE] WENT IDLE

[MATRIARCH] Can someone undo this?

[SARA] Nope.

[MATRIARCH] ....

[SARA] ;)

[ANWAR] I just found a beautiful rock in somebodys quarters.

[MATRIARCH] Do not lick it.

[ANWAR] But Lexi?

[MATRIARCH] No Suvi.

[BRODIE] I bet Sara can find you something else to lick ;)

[SARA] Damn right I can.

[ANWAR] What did you have in mind?

[SCOTT] Please do this in private, I do not want to hear or see my sister flirt.

[SARA] Atleast I lock the door when I am getting it on.

[SCOTT] GIL SAID IT WAS LOCKED!

[BRODIE] I SWEAR LOCKED IT!

[SARA] The image of your naked butts is still scorched in my mind. My retinas have been burned.

[SCOTT] My butt is better than yours.

[SARA] Lolno, you got Dad's butt.

[SCOTT] So do you, Sara.

[SARA] I definetly have Mom's butt.

[NYX] Why are you having this discussion?

[SARA] Whatever, atleast I get to have Suvi's butt aswell, which is 10000x better than yours.

[ANWAR] Sara!

[SCOTT] Whatever.

[BRODIE] Really Scott?

[SCOTT] Really what?

[BRODIE] Sara starts boasting about Suvi's butt and you don't defend my glorious buttocks in return?

[SCOTT] I thought you didn't want to be a trophy wife?

[BRODIE] There is a difference between treating someone as trophy wife and complimenting their butt.

[SARA] Yes Scott, be a better partner, like I am.

[SCOTT] Shut up, Sara.

[KOSTA] Can I ask something?

[SCOTT] I guess...

[KOSTA] You're both gay. Is that a twin thing?

[SCOTT] ....

[SARA] ....

[KOSTA] So no?

[HARPER] Do you have a deathwish?

[KOSTA] Right, I'll shut up

[SCOTT] I'm getting lunch, see you lot later

[SCOTT] WENT IDLE

[KOSTA] Aren't you going to go after him, Cora?

[HARPER] Why would I?

[KOSTA] To "eat lunch" you know what I'm sayin'?

[HARPER] What are you implying?

[KOSTA] U know ;)

[HARPER] You swore not to speak of that to anybody!!

[BRODIE] I have no ideas what this is about, but keep your hands off my man, looking is free but if you touch you'll pay the prize.

[SARA] Not sure if Gil is being the protective boyfriend or trying to become a pimp and sell out my little bro.

[KOSTA] I always expected Scott to be the protective boyfriend.

[SARA] Ikr.

[BRODIE] Someone is flirting with Suvi in the meeting room.

[SARA] OH HELL NO.

[SARA] WENT IDLE

[ANWAR] I'm not even in the meeting room.

[BRODIE] I know, I just needed to get Sara outta here for a minute so I can calm down.

[ANWAR] Really Gil?

[KOSTA] Smart thinking there Brodie.

[BRODIE] Ugh, I forgot this asshole is still here.

[KOSTA] Why won't you love me Gil?

[SARA] WENT ONLINE

[SARA] GIL YOU ASS!

[KOSTA] lmao.

[SCOTT] WENT ONLINE

[SCOTT] Why did I just see Sara storming off mumbling something about Gil

[DRACK] Scroll up kid.

[SARA] Drack, how long have you been here?!

[DRACK] Don't worry bout me kid, just spectating, it's more fun.

[SARA] No Drack, I need you to join in, understood?

[SARA] Drack?

[SARA] DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK

[BRODIE] He ain't comin' back Sara.

[SARA] Shut up, Gil.

[BRODIE] Treat your future in-law with more respect Sara.

{SAM} Pathfinder, Tann said this chat is for announcements only, do you want me to remove all previous messages?

[SARA] Nah.

[SCOTT] Yes.

[SCOTT] >:|

[SARA] Pleaaaase?

[SCOTT] Fine.

[MATRIARCH] You two should go to bed now if you want to be at your best tommorrow. That goes for everyone.

[SARA] I'm not going to sleep, I was about to play some guitar hero.

[ANWAR] Sara.

[SARA] Ok....

[KOSTA] Crack the whip Suvi.

[SARA] and [SUVI ANWAR] WENT IDLE

[KOSTA] Shit

[NYX] Start running Kosta.

[LIAM KOSTA] WENT IDLE

[MATRIARCH] SAM, Can you activate a sleep mode on this chat, medical authorisation. It is really late, and they do need sleep. 

{SAM} Ofcourse, Dr. T'Perro.

{SAM} MUTED -ALL MEMBERS- FOR 12 HOURS


	2. Bets

-ALL MEMBERS- HAVE BEEN UNMUTED

[SCOTT], [PEEBEE], [LIAM KOSTA], [MATRIARCH], [SUVI ANWAR] AND {SAM} WENT ONLINE

[SCOTT] About fucking time.

[PEEBEE] Why can Matriarch and SAM mute people?! It was bad enough when she was just nagging

{SAM} I am the only one who can mute members, Peebee. Tann has given me a higher clearance level than the rest of you.

[MATRIARCH] I am not nagging, Pelessaria, I am making sure you aren't a dead meatbag at the end of the day.

[PEEBEE] Don't call me that and you're not my mom!

[MATRIARCH] You're giving me a headache...

[MATRIARCH] WENT IDLE

[PEEBEE] WENT IDLE

[ANWAR] I have a little problem here.

[SCOTT] What is it?

[ANWAR] Sara is in my room and she locked herself in...

[LIAM] Oh does she have physicals from Lexi today aswell?

[SCOTT] Sare.....

[SARA] WENT ONLINE

[SARA] I thought I felt my ears burning, heh.

[ANWAR] No, you didn't. I literally told you I was messaging the group.

[SCOTT] Do I need to break her out?

[ANWAR] No thanks, Scott.

[ANWAR] Sara, come out of the closet, NOW.

[LIAM] Hehehehehehehehe.

[SARA] >:)

[ANWAR] Don't you dare....

[SCOTT] Sara no....

[SARA] I came out of the closet a few years ago, babe.

[LIAM] lmao.

[SCOTT] Goddamnit Sara.

[SUVI ANWAR] WENT IDLE

[SARA] Guys, I think she'shfjjevdijrvhdosjcdhish

[SARA] WENT IDLE

[SCOTT] Well, my sister is dead...

[VETRA NYX] WENT ONLINE

[NYX] So that's the noise I just heard.

[KOSTA] I'll bet you a bottle of good booze Sara is sleeping alone tonight.

[NYX] You're on, Suvi loves cuddling, no way she leaves her alone.

[SCOTT] Are you guys seriously betting whether my sister is sleeping with Suvi tonight or not?

[KOSTA] You want in?

[SCOTT] God no.

[NYX] Would be unfair anyways, he could use his twin magic to sense it.

[HARPER] WENT ONLINE

[HARPER] Did Suvi just drag Sara into the medbay?

[KOSTA] Did she beat Sara up? Does she have a black eye?

[HARPER] I don't know what I saw, Liam.

[SCOTT] Thank god I have a normal boyfriend.

[LIAM] I'll bet you another bottle of booze that Gil is going to fuck Scott up within a week.

[NYX] Physically or mentally? Because physically he has already 'fucked' him up.

[SCOTT] Really you guys?

[HARPER] I want in, got nothing better to do anyways.

[NYX] Me too.

[SCOTT] You guys are insane.

[SCOTT] WENT IDLE

[LIAM] ....Bet another bottle that he'll come around?

[NYX] Liam....


	3. Making out

[PEEBEE] WENT ONLINE

[PEEBEE] omg. omg. You guys. Someone come quickly.

[LIAM KOSTA] WENT ONLINE

[KOSTA] What's up Peebs?

[PEEBEE] MOM AND DAD ARE ON A FUCKING DATE

[KOSTA] U mean Drack and Lexi?

[PEEBEE] Yes, get to the bar ASAP

[KOSTA] On my way, Peebs

[KOSTA] WENT IDLE

[KOSTA] AND [JAAL AMA DARAV] WENT ONLINE

[PEEBEE] Omfg, Jaal you gotta see this, come to the bar.

[AMA DARAV] Yes, yes. I scrolled up, I am coming.

[SARA] WENT ONLINE

[SARA] Drack and Lexi?!?!?!?

[PEEBEE] YES. Get your lovely butt over here.

[SARA] I really don't want to leave the bed..

[KOSTA] Ayyyy, you got Suvi in there?

[SARA] Maybe..

[AMA DARAV] That explains the mating noises I heard from your room.

[SARA] JAAL, SHUT IT!

[KOSTA] Yeeee Sara, get it.

[SCOTT] WENT ONLINE

[SCOTT] I am so glad you're gay Sara, or you would have 10 babies by now.

[SARA] Gay perks, amiright?

[SARA] Wait, was that your way of calling me slutty?

[SCOTT] I have the right to remain silent until my lawyer gets here.

[SARA] Fuck you Scott.

[SARA] Not literally though, because you have a dick.

[SCOTT] And because it's incest right?

[SARA] If the Lannisters do it, why can't we?

[SCOTT] WENT IDLE

[SARA] I WAS JUST KIDDING FFS.

[KOSTA] You nasty girl.

[PEEBEE] I like it nasty.

[SUVI ANWAR] WENT ONLINE

[SUVI ANWAR] REMOVED [PEEBEE] FROM [TEMPEST CREW ANNOUNCEMENTS]

[ANWAR] MY Sara.

[SUVI ANWAR] WENT IDLE

[SARA] I love her so much.

[AMA DARAV] You kids are crazy.

[LIAM KOSTA] ADDED [PEEBEE] TO [TEMPEST CREW ANNOUNCEMENTS]

[PEEBEE] WENT ONLINE

[PEEBEE] She fucking kicked me.

[KOSTA] I got you Peebs

[PEEBEE] omg. Am I hallucinating?

[KOSTA] Dear god...

[SARA] What?

[PEEBEE] Mom and dad are making out O_o

[KOSTA] I'm gonna throw up.

[PEEBEE] Me too.

[PEEBEE] AND [LIAM KOSTA] WENT IDLE

[SARA] That's disgusting

[AMA DARAV] The 'making out' or the throwing up?

[SARA] Both.

[AMA DARAV] Well I find this 'making out' quite intresting.

[SARA] Maybe you should ask Kallo to teach you about making out, he's an expert.

[AMA DARAV] Is that so? I never knew!

[SARA] Yes, you should totally ask him!

[AMA DARAV] Great idea, Sara.

[JAAL AMA DARAV] WENT IDLE

[SARA] This is going to be great.

[GIL BRODIE] WENT ONLINE

[SARA] Great, this jerk again.

[BRODIE] We're besties and you know it.

[SARA] You're lucky you're dating my little brother.

[BRODIE] He's lucky he's dating me, dear.

[SARA] Are you going to take his last name or is he going to take yours?

[SARA] You're weird enough to be a Ryder.

[BRODIE] Awww, Sara, that's so nice of you.

[SARA] You're my future brother in-law, I struggled but I'm giving up.

[BRODIE] Thanks sis, love you.

[SARA] Please don't.

[SARA] Instant regrets.

[BRODIE] No taking it back now, sweetie.

[SARA] SAM, delete the fucking chatlogs.

{SAM} Understood, Pathfinder.

...{SAM} IS CLEARING THE CHAT HISTORY...


	4. Awful jokes

[LIAM KOSTA], [MATRIARCH], [GIL BRODIE] AND [SUVI ANWAR] WENT ONLINE

[MATRIARCH] Why does Scott look like he just took a hike through the jungle?

[BRODIE] Oh, he's just been doing stuff.

[MATRIARCH] I see.

[BRODIE] CHANGED [GIL BRODIE]'S NAME TO [STUFF]

[STUFF] I'm stuff. ;)

[MATRIARCH] Do you kids ever take anything seriously.

[ANWAR] CHANGED [SARA]'S NAME TO [ANYTHING]

[ANWAR] I seriously take Anything.

[MATRIARCH] Oh for fucks sake.

[KOSTA] CHANGED [LIAM KOSTA]'S NAME TO [FUCK]

[FUCK] For my sake? Why thank you.

[MATRIARCH] WENT IDLE

[ANYTHING] WENT ONLINE

[ANYTHING] wtf?

[FUCK] Hey Suvi, I'd do ANYTHING for you. ;)

[ANWAR] You stole my joke.

[ANYTHING] wtf??

[ANWAR] Liam, stop hiding behind that fence.

[FUCK] No, it's my deFENCE.

[ANYTHING] I'm out.

[ANYTHING] WENT IDLE

[STUFF] You two are such nerds.

[ANWAR] I'm a geek, not a nerd!

[STUFF] The fact you even know the difference makes you a nerd.

[STUFF] Anywaaaays. Who's up for annoying everyone with our amazing puns.

[ANWAR] Sure.

[FUCK] Pun squad!

[STUFF] That was a trick, annoying people is illegal now.

[FUCK] What?!

[ANWAR] What?!

[STUFF] You're punder arrest. lol.

[ANWAR] So Liam is a snobbish criminal now?

[STUFF] Yes.

[ANWAR] A snobbish criminal who is now going down the ladder?

[STUFF] Yes.

[ANWAR] You know what that makes him?

[STUFF] No?

[ANWAR] A condescending con descending.

[STUFF] lmao.

[SCOTT] WENT ONLINE

[STUFF] Hey babe. Scroll back.

[SCOTT] What the fuck is all that?

[FUCK] That is called the wonders of free time, my friend.

[SCOTT] Not on my watch.

[SCOTT] SAM, Temp. mute 'em.

{SAM} MUTED [FUCK], [STUFF] AND [SUVI ANWAR] FOR 4 HOURS

[SCOTT] Also restore their fucking names. All of 'em. 

{SAM} CHANGED -ALL MEMBERS- NAMES TO |DEFAULT SETTINGS|

[RYDER2] Thanks SAM.

[RYDER2] WHY AM I NUMBER TWO?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going on a school trip to France for a while. I won't be able to write or post anything in that period so it will take a while for the next chapter to be here. Thanks for your kudos and comments! :)


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